The Most Important Spiritual Truth I’ve Found After A Decade of Self-Reflection

What I’m about to tell you isn’t novel. I’m not the first person to say this, and I know I won’t be the last. But maybe, just maybe, I was the person you were supposed to learn this from. And if that’s the case, it’s my karmic duty to explain.

I’m all jokes, but to be honest, I’m glad I’m here now sharing this with you.

The biggest spiritual Truth (with a capital T) I’ve found after a decade of self-help books, therapy, radical life changes, meditation, and a hefty dose of tears is this: what goes up, comes down — and conversely, what goes down, comes up. One day you’re sad, the next you’re happy. One moment you really miss your childhood, the next you’re triggered by the mere thought of seeing your parents. Some days you don’t get out of bed, some days you deep clean baseboards. And perhaps most devastating, some days we find love, and some days we lose it.

This is the yin and yang of our existence. It’s karma. But if you start to look around you see this roller coaster of existence everywhere. It’s the sound waves in all the songs that make you cry or dance. It’s the heartbeat on the EKG. It’s the plot line of every movie you’ve probably ever seen. This flow of ups and downs gives us the tides, the seasons, the moon. In short, the only thing constant about our lives is that they shift incessantly.

An oversimplified version of how things work.

Now the tricky part of this whole life thing is that we as annoyingly human beings absolutely fucking hate that. After all, heartbreak, failures, and sunburns can hurt. So we do the cutest little thing really, we decide we can control it. In our foolish attempt to never feel like crap, we decide to just never feel anything.

I was gay my whole life. But somewhere in there, I decided it was too scary. For decades, through marriage and children, I clung desperately to consistency. I got the same job as my mom. I married the guy from the same hometown. I sought safety over chaos, stillness over living.

In a way, I think of these years as my middle finger to God (the Universe, Divine Order, Allah… idgaf what you call it). But in these years I thought I knew best. I thought that I knew what I could handle and what I couldn’t. I thought I knew what I needed- the same shit I had yesterday. And time after time, I ignored the screaming in my soul that said otherwise.

A dramatized look at how I coped by ignoring my feelings for years and pretending things were great when they were most definitely not great.

I snapped. It didn’t happen all at once. I don’t have some breathtaking story with doves or anything for you, sorry to disappoint. But over time, and with a lot of long avoided pain, I came back to find myself.

Now that I’m here, I can’t tell you the other side is always fun. The things you remember hurting- the abandonment, the betrayal, the humiliation- they all still definitely totally completely blow chunks. But they are a little bit easier to deal with when you get to remember that it all comes back up again. In the words of my high school graduation song, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.”

So if you’re down now, or if you’re stuck, I hope this message finds you. It’s a Truth I fought hard for, and I want to pay it forward. I want to give you the gift of hope. Tomorrow is a new day and whether it’s that one or another, there are always better days ahead. What goes up, comes down, and what goes down comes up. Just let go and enjoy the ride.